One is the loneliest number

I often wonder, if I am ever going to be anything worthwhile. 
 If my parents are as disappointed in me as I am. 
Do they know that I want to be so much more than this? 
That every night when I go to sleep I pray for the strength to make a change. 
And every morning when I wake up I try to pretend that I am someone else for 15 seconds. 
I don't know how I became this way, So wrapped up in myself. I shut people out, because going it alone is so much easier than being let down by people.  
I don't know how I became socially awkward, and afraid of public situations. 
I never used to be this way, I never used to let other people and their judgments of me make me any less of myself. 
I wonder if i'll find my way, or am I destined to follow this road of destruction to the bitter end. 
           I feel like there is nobody I can turn to, nobody that cares enough about me to let me cry on their shoulder for an hour or two. And I am the one who made it this way. 
I feel so completely isolated from the outside world. And I have nobody but my self to blame. 

Recognition

Let's be frank. The first step in any kind of realization is the recognition of the realization itself. There has to be a moment, when you take a step back and you recognize this is not where you want to be, or who you want to be etc.  Then you move on to realization . Whelp I have just experienced both of these moments tonight. And it's driven me to write, which is something I haven't done in a very long time. To me, that screams this is a good one.
 I learned tonight that a guy I have really grown to like, isn't anything like the guy I wanted to believe he was. (The details don't matter, and I'm not going to be using any names) He has broken my trust, and hurt me in a way that isn't easily healed. It's not even like he did anything terrible, but to me what he did was rude and disrepectful. And those are two things I don't do. I don't tolerate and I don't do unto others. Call me weak or scared , maybe I'm a pussy . I might be all of those things, but I still am not mean. And he was mean to me. Either way its done and it was fleeting and happened way to fast, and I barely even believed it happened. It almost feels like a dream, like i fell asleep a week ago, and had this amazing dream about this guy that made me feel happy, and safe, and accepted. And then two days ago i woke up. 
 But I know it was real because i was there, and it was amazing.  I wouldn't change a single day. Even though I feel sad and lonelier than ever right now, I know that tomorrow when I wake up and think about this past week, I am going to smile. And that is worth all the nonsense. I won't hold onto this ache I feel in my stomach at the thought of yet another guy toying with me, because I know better now who I am. And how I want to be. I won't be jaded, simply because I choose not to. I know better, there are good guys out there. And even if there aren't , I'm going to be okay. I realize that I am a much stronger person than I ever thought possible, and It's okay to just be happy with who I  am. 
       "I have loved the stars too fondly, to be fearful of the night" - W.Shakespeare